Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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