Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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