Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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