I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
