when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
