I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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