the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
