I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
