so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize