Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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