I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
