I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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