The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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