I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
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