Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize