Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
