The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
