if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
