my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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