Just fell off a train. Bad.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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