onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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