ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize