is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
