The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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