Swine flu. Run for my life!
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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