Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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