I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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