New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
