I am in a vortex of obligation.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
