remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
