I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
He passed out mid-signature
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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