There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
