hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
