I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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