Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
