i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize