how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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