I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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