There was a lot of him and a little penis
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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