I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
