sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
