i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
