If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Randomize
