dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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