I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
The ass gains better be worth it
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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