So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
you didnt know i had herpes?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
