As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
