ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize