hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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