making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
