So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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