Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
