I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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