we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
