btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
