Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
